30 things I’ve learnt in 30 years.
I recently turned 30, and I have to say… It's pretty great so far. I feel like I’m the most confident, stable, and relaxed I’ve ever been, and I’m happy to have left my 20s with a lot of good and bad experiences (none of which I regret either). For the most part, my 20s have been incredibly kind to me – despite some pretty horrible “sagas”, I’ve been able to escape relatively unscathed... with a lot of insight, wisdom, and perspective.
The 30 lessons I’m sharing here may seem cliche – but if I’ve learnt anything from life, they are cliches for a reason.
1. Life isn’t fair
Okay, starting off strong… I had to say it: Life isn’t fair. You can be the most hardworking, talented person in the world and never catch a break, or you could just be starting out on your journey and get lucky early on. And it happens the other way too, there are well-deserving people who get everything they want in life, and those who don’t get privileges because they didn’t do anything to receive them. Life isn’t a meritocracy (despite what many people have led you to believe); at the end of the day… you win some, you lose some, and that’s life.
It’s important to accept that not one human will get everything they deserve (or want to deserve). Life is really just luck and opportunity, and accepting this fact has liberated me from any resentment when it comes to someone else’s success.
I had a friend who would always see other people’s achievements and ask herself (and me), Why do they get to succeed, and not me? And the more she asked, the more resentment grew in her every day. Having that resentment doesn’t help anyone (or yourself), and it stops you from moving on with your life and achieving amazing things. Just because you didn’t catch a break this time, doesn’t mean you won’t in the future. Luck and timing doesn’t discriminate, you just have to be in the right place at the right time.
2. Pick your battles – sometimes it’s fine to be ‘good enough’
I’m a perfectionist at heart and it’s only recently that I’ve come to accept that some things in life can exist in a ‘good enough’ state. I don’t need a perfectly filled fridge with 5 different flavours of ice, nor do I need my wardrobe or cupboards to be neat and organised (in fact, they are very messy). Instead of agonising over every little detail in my life, I put my energy into the things that matter and benefit from my attention.
3. Live. Observe. Adapt.
Piggybacking off the last point – I used to believe that I could create the perfect routine. It would happen like this: I set my goals, build a ‘perfect’ routine, try to ‘live it’, but then massively fail because I set such high expectations for myself to change (e.g. going from no exercising at all to doing yoga daily… which did not work, unsurprisingly). I’d give up, feel guilty…and then get a sudden burst of motivation and try again. Rinse and repeat.
However, after moving out (for good), and having my own true independence, I realised that it’s important to live your life. Instead of trying to create the perfect routine in theory – observe the routine you have right now for at least 3 months, and adapt it slowly, adding new things to your routine and seeing if they stick. Move things around, see how you react to these changes. For me, I realised that no matter how hard I try, I cannot exercise after work, nor can I do it in the middle of the day. Even if I book myself for a yoga session, I find myself canceling or skipping it altogether. Don’t try to create a routine based on what you dream to be, create a routine based on who you are right now.
4. Cross the bridge when you get to it
If there’s one phrase I’m taking into my 30s it’s this: Cross the bridge when you get to it. I remember in my 20s I always used to worry about every future event, every detail, even though there was no guarantee it would happen anyway. I would anticipate every outcome, my response to the outcome, and spend so much emotional energy to the point of exhaustion… for things that never happened (or were contingent on factors out of my control).
I remember when a friend of mine spent weeks agonising over whether or not she should apply for a job because she was worried about telling her current boss she’d be leaving the company (her assumption was that if she started the application process, it would lead to an offer and she was worried about leaving her current team). I had told her that she should just apply for the job and worry about the outcome later. I believe that she was 100% capable of receiving an offer but it wasn’t a reality for her just yet. By the time she applied for the job (she had been agonising over it for weeks), she had missed the window of opportunity and they had already filled the job.
My philosophy is to not worry about outcomes or factors that are out of my control and/or haven’t happened yet. If I can delay anxiety for a bit, then I will 100%.
5. If you wanted to, you would
I’m going to be so real with you right now – if you REALLY wanted to do something, you would be doing it. That’s just facts. And I hear your excuses – “I’m busy, I don’t have the time”… and I’m gonna tell you… there is time, but you prioritise watching TikTok for 20 hours a week instead. (...This is definitely NOT a reference to myself)
But seriously… even if you did have a tonne of completely valid excuses, the reality is… the things you “want to do” are simply not a priority right now. That’s why you’re not doing them. And that’s okay.
Take a step back and look at the things you’re prioritising in your life and decide whether you want to make a shift. Stop making excuses about why you can’t do ‘X’ and start thinking about whether or not you’re living the life you want to lead.
6. You can have everything you want, just not at the same time
One of the first self-help books I ever read was called ‘Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office’ (highly recommended), and it talks about the disadvantages women have at the workplace and how to combat them. One of the chapters resonated with me, Lois P. Frankel had said ‘You can have everything you want, just not at the same time’. I think about that phrase a lot - I have a natural tendency to overachieve, juggle multiple projects and get bored quickly, wanting to move onto the next thing.
Any time I get stressed about not doing everything I want to do at that moment, I think about this quote and it gives me ease knowing that I can do everything I want to do, but it will just take time and patience.
7. Things that are meant for you will never pass you by, and everything happens at the time it needs to
I believe with my whole heart that the opportunities that come into your life (and stay) are meant for you. There have been moments in my life where I’ve felt like I’ve missed the opportunity of a lifetime… only for it to show up a year later when I’m in the right place to take advantage of it. It’s never too late to do something you’ve always wanted to do, and life will give you multiple chances even if you fuck it up the first time.
8. It’s better to regret doing something than not doing something
*Disclaimer: This a catch-all phrase and does not apply to life altering events like having children, committing murder, or causing harm to yourself or others*
Okay, now with that disclaimer out of the way, this is one of the lines I say to myself the most. Even if it’s just an inkling… the feeling of wanting to take a risk, or doing something you’ve always wanted to do - the regret of NOT doing it will haunt you for the rest of your life. I’m a person who in early teenagehood established that I don’t want to regret any choices I’ve made. I don’t want my life to be filled with ‘what ifs’. I don’t want to think about the alternate timelines where another version of me is living the life I wanted. If there are multiple timelines in the universe, I want to be living in the best one.
9. Trust your gut (don’t ignore the ick)
There is a book called the ‘Gift of Fear’ and it is one of my favourite self-help books. It taught me the importance of trusting my gut reaction to people and situations. I used to follow my instincts religiously (I’m a Pisces) - if something felt off, I would disengage from the situation and move on. But then a couple years ago, around the time of COVID, a lot of things went upside down for me. I was the most insecure and lost I’d ever been, everything in my life felt backwards and I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do.
And I found myself in situations with people that just felt a bit off. There were enough positive things about them that I stuck around, but I couldn’t shake off the uneasiness or ick I felt when I was around them. I don’t know them, they are strangers, I just have to get used to them… they are good people right? I felt so judgemental for even having a negative visceral reaction to them, so I squashed those feelings away and told myself I need to be more open minded and more empathetic. After a while, I realised I was wrong to do that.
It became very apparent later on, the things I chose to ignore or excuse were hints of who they were as a people. (As Maya Angelou said, ‘When people show you who they are, believe them.’) Luckily, before anything damaging happened, I was able to escape from those situations and leave them behind with nothing but a bruised ego (and a little bit of trauma ngl).
10. You can’t emphathise yourself out of a paper bag
Empathy is one of the most important traits a human can have – and I believe it to be one of my strong suits (me, an empath). Empathy can give you insight into other people’s struggles and why they do the things they do. However, if someone has put you in a situation where they are purposely making you feel uncomfortable, being toxic or bullying you – no amount of empathy towards them will change the negative behaviours they have towards you.
I can understand hurt people hurt people; people who are feeling insecure or frustrated with their life want the rest of the people around them (even the ones who support and care about them the most) to feel the way they feel. So they take them down a notch, they want to humble them a bit. I can understand these feelings completely, but all the times I have made excuses for this behaviour and allowed myself to be a punching bag, it has not ended well for the relationship.
It’s like death by a thousand cuts - it wears you down eventually and the only way to combat someone who is using you in this way is to disengage and set boundaries.
11. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no!
Ever since we were young, we have been forced to do things we don’t want to do (go to a social event, do a school performance, read a book for English class). And as we’ve aged, the obligations don’t end. Except – now that we’re adults… we actually have a choice.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve realised that I spend so much time in situations that make me feel bored, tired, annoyed etc, when I could be doing something better with my time. If I’m not excited about something I won’t be forcing myself to do it.
12. You have so much more power than you know / A victim mindset will never get you anywhere
You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to it. Having a ‘woe is me’ or victim mindset can be very fun and indulgent for a while, but if you really want to move forward with your life, you need to understand that you have the power to change your circumstances. You may feel like you’re stuck at a job or in a relationship that makes you feel bored, burnout, and disillusioned with no way out – but you have the power to change that.
I’ve seen capable, talented, and strong people become completely helpless when it comes to their life because they believe this is what they deserve, or this is the best they’re going to get. And my response is NO, you deserve way more and you can have more.
13. You’re allowed to set the standard for your own treatment / No one can make you feel inferior without your consent
This relates to the previous statement but it needs to be its own point – You’re allowed to set the standard for your own treatment. It’s your life, and you can decide who you choose to be around. Don’t waste energy on people who don’t give a shit about you, who neglect you, who bully you, or keep you around so they feel superior to you.
It’s okay to have high standards (in fact, it’s great). If you have high standards, the people around you will be the best people you’ve ever met. Yes, you have permission (from me) to be picky. Don’t settle. When you meet the right people, it won’t feel like settling (because it’s not!).
14. There will be shit sandwiches you have to eat – you have to decide if it’s worth it
There will be situations in life that aren’t perfect – You may have the perfect job, but the downside is you have to wake up at 6am in the morning for meetings; you may have an amazing ride-or-die friend but they tend to be half an hour late to every gathering you organise. These are ‘shit sandwiches’ (I saw this term in a TikTok), and most situations come with a shit sandwich. Some are more stank than others, some push your level of tolerance, and others are completely NOT worth it. Not every situation or relationship in life is ideal, it’s a constant negotiation between the perks of it and the nastiness of its shit sandwich.
15. There's no point of having a dream life if it’s a nightmare to maintain
I saw this quote on my TikTok FYP when I was going through my nightly doom scroll – and this creator put it perfectly; ‘There's no point of having a dream life if it’s a nightmare to maintain.’ And she was 100% right. (Before you say anything, I do get all my life advice from TikTok now.)
For a really long time I was spending my energy building and aspiring to a dream life – one that I felt looked good to me and others around me. But on the inside I was struggling to keep it together. My stress and anxiety was through the roof, every time a small crack formed in my ‘dream life’ or things didn’t go the way I expected, I’d have a breakdown and give up.
I spent time building the image of what I should be doing in my life, without ever really living it. Now, I just live. Of course, I still have goals and aspirations, but I never forget to just live my best life day-to-day.
16. Don’t spend the whole time polishing the door knob and never opening the door
In an interview with Taylor Swift she was talking about the creation of her albums - about how each of her albums are an experiment, and she releases them knowing they aren’t perfect. Then she said, ‘Don’t spend the whole time polishing the door knob and never opening the door’. This really resonated with me because I have spent a lot of my life ‘preparing’ for the right moment – to finally feel worthy enough of taking the risk and going through the door.
Even now, I’m struggling – instead of ‘opening the door’ (creating things, making mistakes, learning by doing), I’m ‘polishing the doorknob’ (i.e. thinking of how I can make a refined portfolio of work, and how to make the perfect version of ‘Debbbag’). It’s like trying to learn how to be a professional dancer by watching tutorials on the internet and never dancing. You can only get better at dancing BY dancing, and even if you start from nothing, the progress will compound over time.
17. Practice makes progress
Like many other people, I used to always say ‘Practice makes perfect’. But as a now-recovering perfectionist, I completely reject that phrase, and have since adopted ‘Practice makes progress’ instead. My mindset completely changed once I realised that the idea of perfection was stopping me from starting, enjoying the process, and improving day-by-day.
A lot of things I want to pursue don’t have an end goal, it’s a whole journey that unfolds and never really ends. Rather than striving for perfection, I aim to get a bit better every day by just showing up and enjoying it. And if I get daunted about the idea of doing something ‘forever’, it probably means it’s not something I should be doing in my life.
18. The best exercise is the one you do
Throughout my life I’ve come across variations of this phrase, ‘The best exercise is the one you do’ AND ‘The best camera is the one you have on you’.
It’s about working with what you’ve got in the moment. Even if you have the perfect camera setup at home, if you don’t have it on you when you’re shooting in the wild, the best photo you’ll get is from the camera you have in your hands (which is usually your phone). You could extend this analogy to life as well – whatever tools you have on you at the moment are the ones that will help you the most. So always equip yourself to achieve the best outcome.
Same with exercising, if your current exercise regime involves walking 10,000 steps every few days and you’re actually motivated to do it, that is the best exercise you are doing right now. Not the imaginary weights you’re doing at the gym that you’ve never been to. If you’re doing something that’s already good enough.
19. You know you’re on the right path when you don’t feel like you’re betraying yourself
I saw a clip of Oprah asking author Caroline Myss, ‘How do you know you’re on the right path? And what dream belongs to you, or what husband belongs to you, or what job belongs to you?’
Caroline said, ‘You know you’re on the right path if you’re not put in a position to betray yourself. You don’t betray yourself anymore. You’re not in a position where you have to negotiate your sense of integrity, which is an act of betrayal. You don’t feel like you have to compromise who you are. It feels right.’
At the lowest point in my life, I was betraying my values and integrity to be accepted by people who weren’t worthy of my attention. Once I snapped out of it and lived my life to my values, I was instantly happier and more fulfilled.
20. Sometimes it just comes down to a lack of compatibility.
In life, when things aren’t right, or things don’t work out (relationships, friendships, jobs), sometimes it just comes down to a lack of compatibility. You may have different values, or you’re traveling on different paths. Neither party is the bad guy, things just didn’t work out. It can be heartbreaking (especially when the person, job, or opportunity seemed perfect), but you have to hold your own standards high to live your best life.
21. Never take things personally
Early in my life, I accepted that when it comes to other people and situations, things are rarely personal. If you don’t get the job you want, if someone is being toxic or standoffish towards you, it’s rarely a reflection of you, and more about the circumstances at that time, or how that person feels about themselves.
Even if you’re not good enough to get the job, it doesn’t mean someone is writing off your personal character completely – it’s more likely the timing wasn’t right, or maybe you weren’t ready for the responsibility just yet. And when it comes to relationship conflicts, the people who are the most spiteful towards you are often the most insecure and are battling demons of their own.
22. You can’t change people
This is pretty self explanatory, but it has to be said – no matter how much you try to help, teach, support people, you can’t change someone else. They have to do it on their own. And no, it doesn’t mean abandoning them when they are having a hard time, but it’s about saying what you need to say, doing what you need to help, and giving them space to figure things out in their own time.
You are not responsible for someone else’s happiness (the only exception is if you are a parent), and it’s not possible to change someone if they don’t want to change themselves. Even if you have the best intentions, trying to change someone can turn into micromanagement, and they will eventually resent you for it. Give people the freedom and support they need, and don’t feel like their livelihood relies on you completely.
23. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference
When someone hates you, they’re giving you the same level of energy as someone who loves you. Sounds intense, but it’s true. Because when someone truly does not care about you, they aren’t even thinking about you, and you don’t exist to them.
When I find myself in a ‘hateful’ or ‘angry’ state, I try to move on from it as quickly as possible. I do the rumination, the acceptance, and the healing as soon as I can. I don’t like staying resentful for long. It’s exhausting and draining and I don’t want to give anyone attention that they don’t deserve (even if it's negative). As the Buddhist saying goes, ‘Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.’
Spending energy being in a negative state for a long time doesn’t help anyone (certainly not yourself), the best thing you can do is move on, learn to let go and live a life that you’re proud of.
24. Who you are today is the result of every mistake, every flaw, and every fuckup you’ve ever made
When I was growing up, I’d find myself watching TV shows or movies where the protagonist would make a magical wish to do a ‘life swap’ with someone richer, more beautiful and more privileged. And everytime I’d watch it, I’d ask myself, if I could permanently swap lives with anyone in the world, who would it be?
And the answer would be the same. No one. I didn’t grow up with a lot of money, nor am I the most stunning person on the planet, and I’ve had my fair share of embarrassing moments… but every person around me, every mistake I’ve made, makes me who I am. Even if I grew up a bit richer, I can’t say I’d be the same person (my mum and I agree I’d probably be pretty spoiled). So every time something goes wrong, I always think; if I didn’t experience this outcome or make that mistake, I wouldn’t be who I am. I like who I am.
25. Acceptance is the key to happiness and confidence
The previous statement leads me to this: Accepting yourself is the key to your own happiness. Even though it seems simple, it’s not easy. We grow up with so many expectations of ourselves and sometimes it takes YEARS to unlearn these thought spirals.
For me, I never thought I was a confident person. I wasn’t sporty or outgoing like the other kids growing up, and my teachers always wrote in my school reports that I was a ‘shy quiet girl’ (like that was a bad thing?).
Yet, as I grew older I noticed that a lot of people were insecure about things I had never even thought about. I was always okay with who I was – even though people criticised me for being quiet, I didn’t see it as a character flaw, I accepted that was who I am. Even when there were things I didn’t like about my appearance, rather than agonise over it, I decided to accept it the way it was (however long that took), so I could spend my energy worrying about other things that I could change.
Am I insecure free? No of course not, I’m human. But instead of beating myself up over being insecure, I just do my best to learn how to like the parts of myself that aren’t perfect. It takes time and I can slowly work at it day by day.
26. “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid”
People say Einstein said this, but apparently that’s not true. Either way, the quote slaps. Ever since I heard this quote I think about it quite often, and I apply it to my life when I’m not feeling good enough.
Everyone in life has their own strengths, talents, and goals, and to compare yourself to the imaginary standard that society has set for us is unfair and unrealistic. Just because you’re not good at something doesn’t mean you don’t have talents or advantages elsewhere. Life is about experimentation, finding your path and going what you love. Things may not work out, but it doesn’t mean you’re not lacking in any way. (And as I said in my first learning – ‘Life isn’t fair’... you don’t even need the talent to get lucky and succeed.)
27. Your personal concept of success changes every day – don’t hold yourself to a standard that no longer serves you
When I was younger I wanted to be a ballerina, then I wanted to be a doctor, then I wanted to be a cashier at Kmart (I liked scanning things okay!). Did I achieve any of those? No. (I did, however, get a job where I was a sales assistant at another store and I was able to scan things, so I count that as a win).
The point is, our goals change a lot as we grow older, sometimes we feel a weird obligation to stick to them or a sense of failure for not achieving them. For example, I always wanted to become a multimillionaire, live in a cool mansion etc. To this day, my parents would love it if I was a millionaire. Unfortunately I’m not, and I’m not sure if I ever will be. But also it’s not a goal I’m aiming for anymore.
To unpack that millionaire goal, I just wanted independence, autonomy and stability. And I have that already, even without the millions. The goal of being a millionaire is arbitrary when the real goal is security. Don’t beat yourself up for not hitting a goal you set for yourself in the past. Your needs change, YOU change, and your idea of success changes too.
28. Everyone always wants something they don’t have - it’s human nature
As a child, I despised my handwriting. I always wanted it to be different – I wanted it to be cute, round and bubbly like the other girls’ writing in my class (if you grew up in the 90s you know exactly what handwriting I’m talking about). But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t change it. I could mimic what I wanted, but as soon as I stopped forcing it, my handwriting reverted back to its natural state. Feeling defeated, I decided it was something I’d have to accept about myself.
Then I went to class in high school and my friend saw my handwriting and said, ‘Wow I’m jealous, I always wished I had handwriting like that’. And at the age of 12, I realised that people will always want things they don’t have. They’ll be looking at other people’s features, skills, and privileges, and feeling defeated about themselves for not having them, without realising someone else is feeling the same way about them. From that moment on, I never took what I had for granted.
29. Never prioritise work, business or hustle over your mental and physical health
I have learnt this the hard way. In the past, I’ve had to get a root canal because I was so stressed about my business that I ‘didn’t have the time’ to fix the tooth pain and headaches I had for 2 months straight. I’ve been depressed, burnt out, demoralised and I’ve been physically ill from the stress and anxiety from work.
Is it worth it? Never.
Always take care of your own physical and mental health, and know your limits. Society seems to enjoy a ‘starving artist narrative’, where you have to (sometimes literally) die for your art to be worthy or successful. But that’s not true, and your value is not contingent on how much you suffered for it.
30. You are the average of the 5 closest people in your life
No matter how you try to spin it, you will be influenced by your circle. You are the average of all closest people in your life; the people who you choose to hang out with. If they are funny, positive and encouraging, you will reap the benefits of being around them and you’ll adopt the same mindset too. But if you are choosing to be around people who are actively ignorant, racist, sexist, discriminatory or toxic, you’ll probably fall down that path or be affected by the negative results of those interactions.
Be self aware, start taking care of yourself and be picky about who you surround yourself with. If they are good, respectful and kind hearted, you’ll see your life improve tenfold.
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I know this is a long one, and if you even got to the end of this, I really thank you for putting out the time to read this incredibly indulgent essay/listicle.
Deb x