The (not so) subtle traits of a toxic friend
Toxic relationships happen to the best of us. These relationships don’t always start out that way, but can hit you like a tonne of bricks before you know it. The longer you’re in one, the harder it is to get out of it. Here are some things you should look out for.
They take their insecurities out on you
Toxic people make you feel responsible for the things they lack. It’s quite a feat, and actually comes off quite contradictory — toxic people have the power to make you feel small and unworthy, but also hold you responsible for the big things that are going wrong in their life.
Especially if you’re both adults, you should not be relying on each other so much it feels like a co-dependent or parasitic relationship. You shouldn’t feel responsible for someone else’s happiness, because as much as you try (and I’ve tried), someone’s unhappiness and insecurity can only be solved by them. No matter how many encouraging words you say to someone, if they don’t truly believe it themselves, they will never be happy.
They compete with you and use the “Why not me?” rhetoric
Insecurities often manifest in a couple of ways — sometimes it’s a pity party, and other times it’s jealousy and competition. A toxic friend will find ways to compare themselves to you, and make you feel bad for the things you have that they lack.
It’s one of the most disheartening things to realise that your friend is being competitive with you. It’s hard to describe — honestly it feels awkward, unnatural and weird. As friends, you’re supposed to be on the same team, not trying to pull each other down.
I’m a naturally competitive person, but as I’ve grown older, the only person I’ve been competitive with is myself. I took this approach because no matter how “successful” you become, there will always be someone prettier, smarter or richer than you. The comparison never ends and it’s exhausting to constantly think that way.
Jealously can sometimes grow into the more dangerous “Why not me?” rhetoric, which is a pity party that reeks of entitlement. It’s not just the jealousy that comes from a place of lack, but also a place of “I deserve this” and “Why do you have the thing I deserve?”.
A lot of people have things they don’t deserve (me included), and a lot of people don’t have things they do deserve. Life works in mysterious ways, and rewards people at different times. If someone in your life is making you feel bad for having something they don’t, it’s important to let them know there’s enough for everyone, and a scarcity mindset will only stop them from achieving their own goals.
They act like you’re the sidekick in THEIR story
“Main character energy” has been a term that has been thrown around a lot lately. I’m definitely the type to be the sidekick (I 100% believe I’d be the first to die in a zombie apocalypse or a slasher movie), but it doesn’t mean I should let people treat me that way.
Toxic people only see others as a way to fuel their own narrative, and only care about being nice or keeping you happy when it serves their own interests. That’s why it’s very hard to initially pin point someone as being toxic — they can be your absolute cheerleader when you do things that satisfy their narrative, but the moment you step out of line they’re quick to put you down or try to teach you a lesson.
They belittle your achievements
Toxic people (especially narcissists) hate seeing other people succeed because it’s a poor reflection on them—somehow it makes them look bad. If they see you succeeding without them, they’ll find ways to point out your privilege (however small), underplay your achievement or play up their own, to discourage any real credit or happiness you may have achieved in the process.
If they can’t belittle your own independent achievements, they’ll do their best to hop onto your success wagon as much as possible; by attempting to emulate your success, controlling your next moves, trying to be your mentor and giving unsolicited advice — anything to feel successful with you.
They make you feel bad about being who you are
Friendships are relationships based on shared interests and mutual acceptance. If your toxic friend starts acting passive aggressive because you’re doing things that are authentically you or having interests and finding happiness in things outside of your relationship — see that as a sign that they don’t like you living our own life.
I have many friends who enjoy the same things I enjoy, but also enjoy things I’m not that into either. And that’s okay. I’m not going to make anyone feel bad for enjoying something I don’t like myself (as my friend Mary says “don’t yuck someone’s yum”). At the end of the day, it has no bearing on my life or self esteem.
Toxic people make it their business to make you feel bad for existing and acting in a way that doesn’t make sense to them. If all they do is criticise you for things that you can’t change (or don’t need change about yourself)— it doesn’t make sense for you to stay in relationship when you both can spend that energy finding people who will accept you as you are.
Their actions are very different from their words
Toxic people can be confusing to be around, because they act in a certain way (passive aggressive, competitive, jealous) but feed you a narrative that is completely different from the vibe you’re experiencing from them.
Toxic people say they “care” and “hear” you, but then in the same breath can dismiss you and tell you to “park” your problems for another day. Most people who claim to be “empathetic”, are often the people who are the furthest from it. It’s a narrative they’re not only feeding you, but also themselves.
Actions speak louder than words, when people show you who they really are, believe them.
They only talk about themselves
Friendship is about give-and-take, and at different times in life it’s natural to go through cycles where one is greater than the other. However, if the relationship you have is always about them, what their life is about, how your actions affect their life — it’s time to take a step back see if they actually see you as a friend or just as their lackey.
You walk on eggshells around them
When you’re dealing with a toxic person, you always find yourself being careful about you say because you’re afraid it might set them off. You can’t be honest, sad or even happy, because if they’re feeling bad about themselves, no matter what you do or say, they will find any excuse to take you down with them.
You feel yourself becoming angry, toxic and selfish as well
The biggest sign that you should take a break from a relationship is when you become as bad as they are. Toxic people and relationships only encourage the worst in you, and it's important to understand the person you become when you're around them.
Even though movies and TV shows have been filled with toxic and unhealthy (yet lasting) friendships, it’s not normal to be fighting with your best friend every day (I’m looking at you Gossip Girl). If you find yourself becoming inexplicably angry or upset every time you talk to them, and acting petty to regain control of your life or to “one-up them” — step away and understand that this isn’t normal, and this isn’t who you are.
I’ve been lucky to have a healthy circle of family and friends who are encouraging, reliable and most of all — lovely to be around. I’ve always used that as a way to gauge and/or seek advice about toxic behaviour. I understand that not everyone has those relationships so they don’t understand what it’s like to be truly safe and free; but I’m telling you now, if you feel sad, trapped or angry in a relationship, that’s not normal and you shouldn’t put up with it.
A relationship built on guilt or obligation should not be something in your life. Friendship is seen as one of the most low stakes relationships to be in, so you should be a relationship because you want to — not because you have to.